Saturday, August 25, 2007

Welcome Back

Public, please forgive me, it has been awhile since my last post. (Doesn't that sound like a start to a confession?) I suppose it would be naive to assume that, since that weekend at the beach (see Self Intervention post), my life would for ever more have clarity and I would be free from suffering for the rest of my life. Wouldn't that be nice? But I guess that's unrealistic. Still, life has indeed been better. Here is an update on my journey.

My mindfulness class wrapped up in mid-August. For several weeks after my last post and after my class, I had a daily routine of meditating, picking a phrase/affirmation I could use throughout that day, journaling, Qi Gong, and taking time out of each day to make sure I was "present". I found I was treating myself with loving kindness and it felt really, really good. It was foreign to me, but good. I felt lighter, happier, and full of hope. And it didn't take much - just making sure I was aware of my self and my surroundings and acknowledging all of it. I continue to do this today. Its a great practice.

I try to find ways to minimize the kind of emotional "smack down" I have experienced over the years. Maybe if I let a little pressure out over time rather than keeping a tight lid on the whole time, the result will be fewer extremes in mood. And it worked. I am connecting with myself, something I was never able to do. And at times when I am feeling sad or stressed out, I would sit myself down and have a private conversation, between me and my critical/fearful voice, to understand what is motivating me. What was I attached to? Why did these things matter to me? Why did their outcome matter to me? I acknowledged the feelings rather than trying to solve them, reason with them. I just sat with whatever came up and validated the concerns. I also allowed myself to cry and weep - something I had been holding in. I found that this method really worked for me and that I was much closer to center as a result.


I have also been taking risks and breaking personal rules since that weekend. For example, one Friday night I thought I should make plans to go to the beach the next morning. Its only a 25 minute drive and if I leave by 10am I can skip traffic and spend most of the day there. I would enjoy hearing the waves, smelling the sea air, getting the sun in my face. However, being a night person and being sleep-deprived, I slept in and put off my plans. I had a hearty breakfast and then a snack and then sat to watch TV. (Hm...) I was feeling very full, uncomfortable, and disappointed with myself. I looked at the time. It was now 12:45/1pm. I thought to myself "Nice job. There goes the beach." I began to beat myself up about it. What a shame that I didn't follow my plan like I wanted. I let it get away from me.

Then I thought "Hey, that's one of my silly rules - I can't go to the beach unless its early in the morning. Who said that was the only time I could go? Why can't I go? The beach will still be nice in the afternoon!" So with that, and a full belly, I spritely went upstairs, put my hair up, changed into some walking clothes, put on my walking shoes, and got out the lumbar waist pack I use for walking (its great because it has lots of room and holds two large water bottles and I love to rehydrate). (Yay me!) I decided to break my rule. For me. No one else but me. How I looked was not important. This was for ME.

So I left the house around 2pm. I started my drive to the beach feeling proud that I was out of the house and breaking rules. Then I drove past the freeway and saw a ton of traffic. CRAP! Oh well. Guess I should just go somewhere else or turn back. Another disappointment. So I thought I'd drive about 45 minutes away and head towards Half Moon Bay instead. I started off in that direction and thought, y'know that place is nice but its much farther away, its much less likely to be sunny, could be foggy, and it could be really, really cold. So I turned around again and drove down the crowded freeway. I was out of the house. I had water. I had music. I was definitely not hungry. So what if I sat in traffic for 2 hours and enjoyed the music and scenery? Besides, this would make going up the windy mountain road that much safer! Traffic was moving at a crawl for about 10 minutes and then everything cleared up. I got to the beach at 2:45pm.

I started out on my walk along the trail. While there, I took time to sit on a bench looking at the ocean. It was a busy place - long walking path with lots of bikers and dogs, too. Great for people-watching. I was sweating, I was wearing clothes that didn't fit well, my shoes didn't go with the clothes (another broken rule), and my face was beat red from the little walking I had done and had become splotchy with sun-spots. But I didn't care. I was there for me and whoever didn't like it could turn away because I just didn't care. I was by the ocean listening to the music I love. It felt so liberating! And I was proud of myself. I still am. I didn't just break one rule I broke several.

Over time, I've found that my mindfulness routine has withered, my fears have increased, as have my distractions. I found I was bogged down by what was going on in the world - war, bridges collapsing, floods, lost miners, mothers killing children, husbands killing families, toxic toys, brutal rapes, deaths, oh, and a highschool reunion that brought back some anxiety. My work was getting to me, as well. Not so much my work, but the people and pressures around me. I am not passionate about my job, but I am passionate about how I do it. I put so much pressure on myself to perform, to be liked, to feel smart, to look smart, to be competent, to exceed expectations. I don't want to disappoint others or myself and I don't want to be embarrassed. But since I wasn't getting that kind of external feedback about something so personal to me, it was weighing heavily on me. These attachments are my main triggers.

So with all this going on, the world around me felt toxic. And at this weak moment, out from the depths of some dark place where my fear and critical voice live, my depression reappeared, ever so subtly. I found I stayed indoors, withdrawing. Thinking I was taking care of myself but clearly disengaging from life. I saw this happening like I was watching it in a movie. I felt the disintegration as it happened over time. I simply felt overpowered and too exhausted to try and pull myself out. Even still, I had hope. I knew this funk was temporary - I was just feeling the weight of everything on me and couldn't shake it. Forgot how or felt paralyzed by the grip. Previously, I'd fall into something like this and did not even see it coming and then I was down for the count. So understanding what was happening to me and recognizing my emotional shift (now vs. then) was progress. Something I've not been able to do in the past.

I've sinced managed to normalize and identify some of those triggers before they push me too far. Again, progress. I bought a new chair for my house that represents the same one at the beach. At times its been hard to climb into it because it reminds me of something I feel I'm not up to...but then I climb in and all is right with the world. I have started meditating again, and getting outside more. I'm not consistent or doing it routinely, but I'm doing what I can. I've re-inserted myself into my iPod and playlists. The music has brought me lots of joy - even just tinkering with the playlists, creating CDs for my car, etc..

I am disappointed that I haven't continued with my daily routine. (another attachment) But I can see that this can be like a diet or exercise - its healthy, its something to be mindful of, to enjoy, and its a lifestyle where being perfect isn't going to happen. Ups and downs and the spaces in between are to be expected. This is a journey after all. I just have to keep reminding my neurotic self of this. My challenge is going to be how I am able to compassionately recover and redirect myself to loving kindness and being mindful without berating myself for not being or doing any of it. This has been the struggle all along. Me. My fear. My critical voice. And letting go.

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