Monday, February 16, 2009

New Year, New Perspective, New Moves

I don't believe in New Year's resolutions. Although, I do like the idea of starting something new on the very first day of a brand new year. So while I will not make a typical resolution (such as "lose weight" or "quit my addiction to sunflower seeds") I have a New Year's "Motto". This year, the motto is "Compassionate Risk".
I turned 40 in December and have since realized, as many of us do at this age, that I'm not where I thought I'd be in life. Don't get me wrong, I'm blessed to have what I have and appreciate everything. But during Thanksgiving, someone asked me "What are you doing for fun these days?" and I didn't have a good answer. I searched and searched but I couldn't find anything. I had to ask myself, "Do I actually have fun? What is that?"

I've successfully insulated myself from life. From experiences. Protecting myself from taking any risks that will provoke or engage my bottomless pit of fear. (How's that for dramatic?) There was so much I feared. There was so much that I judged about myself, and as such, those preceptions were usually way off base, untrue, and twisted. Those perceptions and fears kept me from experiencing life. How can anybody live up to these standards and this ridicule and enjoy life?

So I am 40. Single. Not married. No kids. Not dating. No prospects either. No dog. One car. One home. Two loans. And living paycheck to paycheck. I get up, go to work, go home, have dinner, watch 3 hours of news and then go to bed. Pretty much how I lived my life the last 13 years, at least. This is neither good or bad. Just boring. Safe. The problem was, the life I wished I had I could not bring myself to pursue. Too scary. Too risky.

But last summer I started looking at things a bit differently. I would figuratively walk up to the window of life and risk and peer in to see what awaits. Looks neat. Admirable. Fun. Can I do this? Sure! Wait, really, can I? For once, in a very long, long time I started considering the possibility that I can have the life I really want - I just needed to walk into it. Go passed the window. Step into it. And release myself from all these unrealistic conditions I set for myself. These self-imposed limitations and judgements that kept me from so much.

The main reason for these limitations and judgements is because I am overweight. By a lot. And I felt that my body size and the fear of other's reactions to it were to blame for keeping me cocooned. But I've come to realize, while that may still be true for some people in society, for the most part I was the one passing judgement and reacting to my size. I had a few experiences in high school and college that left me scarred and apprehensive. That was then. This is now. The only bully I need to contend with, really, is myself.

So, this year, I will take risks. I will face my fears. My poor body image. Not all at once. But I will listen to what I want to do and find a compassionate way to do it.

I used to be very athletic. Fourteen seasons of soccer, ten seasons of softball, two years of field hockey - all before my senior year in highschool. I liked that about myself. But over the years, the weight went on and it became harder to be motivated. To feel (1) that I could do it, and (2) that I would feel emotionally safe doing it. So I regressed. I hibernated for years. Every time I saw someone dance show or do sports, I would admire them. Oh how wished I could move like that. I used to be able to. Now almost 100 lbs overweight, it was hard to do. I was embarrased. Ashamed of what I had become. And the spiral just kept going.

Now I have started to ask "why not?" I have started to come to terms with my body size and what it can or cannot do. And reconcile that with my desire to move, to dance, to be active. While I would love to lose weight, I long more than anything to move like I used to. To have good cardiovasular health, good cholesterol levels, breathe more easily, have more flexibility, and fewer aches and pains.

So my year of Compassionate Risk begins with joining a gym that is focused on women and is size-friendly. And I have started by taking gym classes that most certainly challenged my motto. My first foray into the gym after years of no aerobic exercise was a cardio kickboxing class that kicked my ass. This was so hard physically and emotionally. Being 100 lbs overweight and 5' tall, and grossly out of shape - I was a royal mess during and after the 60-minute class - red faced, light headed, out of sync, lead-footed, uncoordinated, breathing hard, etc. I was an emotional wreck after the class. While I was proud I did it, having seen myself move in the mirror and the realization of my physical limitations, I was sad and ashamed.

After this experience I questioned whether or not this was a good idea and I heard that voice telling me that while I had good intentions, I'm really going to quit this like everything else. So I thought about it. To be compassionate about this, I could do things differently next time - stretch more before and after class and start doing 30 or 45 mins of class instead of 60. I just needed to not get discouraged at how I looked in the mirror or how clumsy and embarrassed I felt, and continue to go to the class, stay mindful and take care of myself.

So the first cardio kickboxing class was a risk for me, as was the second. But the second time around I came prepared. I bought fitness shoes for indoor studio floors (which made my feet feel lighter and easier to lift than my running shoes). I reminded myself to go at MY pace. I did more stretching beforehand. And I went for 40 minutes of the class rather than 60.

And this time I had more fun. While it was slightly easier than the first class, I was still red-faced, breathing hard, moving awkward, and totally ungraceful. But I have to say I'm getting used to seeing myself this way. And that's an AMAZING feat for me - to accept that this as who I am, I look like this now, and still feel the fire in my belly for movement, and to want more. So rather than obsess about what I looked like, I focused on how I felt. I did not feel shame. I felt fierce, proud and driven and I totally owned my space on that floor. I declared that I deserve to move and have FUN doing it!!

So, much of this challenge continues to be how I can find ways of being gentle and kind with myself. I need not put all my risk eggs into one basket. There's plenty of time for that. For now, I'm just making room for myself to have more fun, take risks, be safe and physically move. I still have fears but I am trying to balance them against reality. So unlike resolutions that are specific in measurement, I am simply challenging my old rules and, after some bumps along the way, allowing myself a softer place to land.

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