Performance Anxiety

I have a doctor's appointment coming up and I'm not looking forward to it. It's not a horrible experience. It's not painful. It's not embarrassing. Going to the doctor is a normal part of life, right? Its important to check things out when we're not feeling well and to get regular checkups. I have doctors and specialists I am comfortable with and appreciate.


Despite how comfortable I feel, I still have some level of anxiety during an appointment. No, it’s not that these doctors make me nervous. Its that I’m terrified I’m going to fail the tests! I’m afraid I’m going to not perform well, leaving them disillusioned about me and disappointed in my results. “What a shame. She could have been perfect. What a disappointment.”


Even though I had Lasik eye surgery and my vision has drastically improved, I can’t stand getting my eyes checked. E looks like B, M looks like W, C could be G. And even when the eye doctor offers a second look while switching the damn lenses, “Which is better? 1 or 2. 1, 2.” Me - "Again please. [pause] Again please." What if I have something blurry in my eye during the test and I can see better later? Is there a do-over? Do I have to say “that’s my final answer”? What if I go to get my hearing checked but I have wax build-up? What if I am so worked up about the doctor’s appointment (the “white-coat syndrome”), that my blood pressure actually goes through the roof, and now I’m being treated for hypertension?


I actually don’t get as worked up as it would appear. But I care too much about performing and not disappointing others that the idea of failing, even something over which I have no control, is disheartening. The true neurotic. These tests are done because so often people do not do well on them and it’s a measurement of ones’ actual health - to make sure you're okay. It’s actually a good thing to catch the weaknesses now so they can be made stronger with help. But the pressure!


This week in my Mindfulness class I was singled-out for something I put down on one of the registration forms. While we were in small groups, I was pulled aside by the facilitator. He wanted to ask me about it since it was highly personal and to make sure I had proper support. I found myself ashamed. Embarrassed to be called out. I was initially feeling good in this class - good performance. I was finally connecting and feeling pretty good about myself. But not after the "talk". I instantly shrank. Deflated. Where I was, before I was pulled aside, emotionally and spiritually was not the same as when I returned. All because someone said something that wasn't hurtful, but made me feel exposed and vulnerable. Like I had to justify who I was and the situation I was in, even though I didn't. To his credit, the facilitator just wanted to check things out and I should appreciate this - and I do. But afterwards, I couldn't help but think he was looking at me differently and it bothered me. And then I didn't like that it bothered me. Shame spiral.


Yes, performance anxiety can get the best of the neurotic. I wish I didn't care so much about what others think of me. I know its in MY head. Some people are relaxed and don't over-think the doctor's office or any other situation with human beings. I admire that they don't care what others think. They are completely themselves and comfortable with that. Naturally, people are drawn to these folks. Its like that saying "The moment you let go of trying to be in control, you're actually IN control." Logical. Admirable. Hard to do.


Maybe this performance anxiety is rather selfish. After all, the focus is continually on ME. As if there's not anything wrong with anyone else! Performance anxiety assumes that the result of your actions will have a drastic and permanent impact on the rest of your life. That others will forever be disappointed or fooled or their expectations shattered. So what if that DID happen? How would that feel? If I didn't care, wouldn't the energy spent on this negativity and judgement now lie with the other people and not with me - since I wouldn't care? Wouldn't I be free of that emotional burden? And if other people don't care, are not judgemental or disillusioned, then where is the problem? Win-win.

Again, logical and admirable, but hard to do for the neurotic.